I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
