you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
