Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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