i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
