This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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