sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
