Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
