Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
