Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
