and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
