I wish I could teleport
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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