You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
