So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
