Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
