I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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