I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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