got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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