I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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