i jhust puked up my retainher.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
