Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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