Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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