I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
