It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
