Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
