This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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