He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's shark week go big or go home
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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