have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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