Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
