Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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