Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
