Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
