It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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