I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
