I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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