After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
