I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
