Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
