what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
