Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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