o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
