I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
