Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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