i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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