when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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