When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
