my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
