my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
