I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
