Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
