Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I look better un-naked...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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