the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
