Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
