I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
