He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
