Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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