Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
