you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
