he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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