her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
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Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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